hello~
how's everyone today?

this shall be my blog from now on,
and for the scarce and treasured people reading this..

i just wanna say.
I LOVE YOU~

well. a bit of digressing there.
i've closed down my previous blog.
that was my first and i was reaching my 200th entre.
ask me if i regretted doing that.

no, not at all.
nodresscode shall always be a part of me.
and now, it will let me see how much i've grown.

i wanted something more private.
because the air there was getting too heavy.
it feels like.
it feels like you're up on stage, and you're supposed to give a speech, but you're just blank.
and the people are just staring at you, when you're in the limeight.
the silence and the atmosphere.
but i guess that wasn't the sole reason.
because.
i just realised i've been a horrible person.
pretending to be good.

'ahh.you're a swindler.'

all this while i realise i've lived my life.
thinking.
caring.
全部ばかりで。わたしのこと。
all. about me.
it's always me, myself and i.

and though i claim to care for the other.
i think at the end, i care for the person if it brings me benefit.
and i think that's really miserable.

and so recent events.
i can feel it.
that the heavens.
have put me through tests.

tests that made me question who i was.
what was my identity.
tests that made me feel like i was down, and couldn't get back up on my feet.
tests that forced me to re-evaluate my actions.
tests that forced me to grow.
tests that finally made me realise.
to treasure.
and cherish the things that are already there.

sometimes.
it's good to take it slow.
because although the painful times seem longer and make you feel even more miserable,
the good times slow down too.
and there's just more to it than what it is.
to take it all in, i'd say.

and now it seems like i'm outside looking in,
and in my heart, there was only one word.

"pathetic."

maybe it sounds really harsh,
but now i'm standing at a different perspective.

and because i used to be intimidated by Joseph.
why?
i didn't know.
charm. i used to call it.
but maybe now it just boils down to a gimmick.
a power.
and a standing he takes advantage of,
to his every benefit.

i wanted attention?
i wanted to be the centre.
i wanted drama to follow wherever i was going.

i didn't understand.
what was hypocrisy.
what was backstabbing.
oh, i knew they were bad things.
but i didn't know WHAT was it.
because..
i've been playing the games all the while.
they say what you don't know wouldn't hurt you.

so all this time i wasn't in the know.
and i've probably hurt a lot more of others' feelings than i would have wanted.
and maybe the reason why i didn't realise all this.
was because i was in the one place where i felt was the most honest,
where there was a real bond.
and everyone was family.

but i was wrong.

and maybe it sounds like Joseph is the root of all problems.
maybe he is.
but maybe it's because he's the one person that feels the most insecure.
and i shall not take pity on him.
because sympathy will never get you anywhere.
it is but a mere temporary comfort.
a short-term cover that shields you from your worries and pain.

they will have to learn.

he has to learn too. someday.
"i have gone through a similar episode in my life."
yeah right. when you told Jacq you didn't feel you were left out. not even once?
or maybe it is true.
that you went through something painful.
and now, you want others to know how it feels?
and taking advantage of your power.
i wonder how you would feel.
when you are strapped of it all?
when suddenly, you're the one instead, kept in the dark.
and maybe then, you'll have to right to give me a little word of advice.

you are the drama, Jos Koh.
and peeved i was today, but i chose to keep silent.
and maybe mocking i was, in my heart.
"puh-lease lah. the theme is called 'Viva La GLAM'. oh my God."
asked to confirm if he would rather die than attend Grad Nite, to that he replied,
"dunno. see how lor. see MY FRIENDS, if they're all going or not."

that pretty much says everything Jos.
you HATE to be alone.
and that assures it.
you're insecure about yourself.

but i must say.
thank you.
for the bottom of my heart.
to all of you too.
because if it weren't for all the drama,
i wouldn't have learnt to appreciate what's already given to me.

and i sincerely pray for all of you.
that maybe.
you will get it someday.
i'm not saying i'm a know-it-all now.
that i am right.
and you are wrong.
that everything i say counts.

but it's because now,
for the first time.
i'm the passer-by looking at a fight.
and maybe things will be better now.
because passer-bys will move forward.
and won't stay for no one.

and maybe i'll choose to be a friendly stranger that reaches out to help,
but that is all i'll ever be.

i wish you well, my friends.
if i still have the right to address you all by that.
if it's still appropriate. 

************************************************************************************************************************

that over, hahahaha.=)
Shuey, you won't want to read from here on now.

今週いよいよ、「クロサギ」最終回！
なんかね。寂しいです。いや～
でもね。黒崎と氷柱どんなのエンドは見たいな、やぱり。＾＿＾
だから楽しめ。はは。
もう～
金曜日早く来て！

oh yeah.
i read a fellow yamapi fan's blog.
and she wrote a letter to him.
confessing her love for him.
and why so.
i mean.
she posted it lahh.
on her blog.
i thought it was a sweet gesture,
but i found her immature,
because she just doesn't like Maki and him to be an item.
and she roots for brother/sister love between them. -_-"

and the things she mentioned.

well.
she admitted it was corny at certain parts...
so yeah well.
it was sweet lah.
but i just don't get some of it.

anyways it made me wonder.
yamapi.
why do i like him?

okay.
it's corny.
but.
this thing for him.

i admire him. yes.
because of his smokin' good looks?
is that why?
his personality?
but i don't know about that for sure, because i don't know him personally!
the charm and charisma he exudes.
what do i know about him?

i am considered a newbie.
Helen knows everything about him.
inside out.
and she's probably the queen, who deserves, more than anyone else.
to meet him.
and many other fans.
i feel frustrated at times where i feel like i can't match up to the others.
and i feel like i'm not a good enough fan.
what do i know??
he was in 4Tops.
a group that never debuted.
his closest and best friend ever is Toma.
he has many other good friends.
like Jin. Ryo. Shige. Massu. Tegoshi.
his respected senpai is Hideaki Takizawa.
he was the very reason Yamapi entered Johnny's.
he is the leader of NEWS.
and maybe a few other details.
like his father left his family.
was raised by his mother alone.
thus he takes after his mother's surname.
and has a younger sister.
his birthday is 9th April, 1983
he really likes to eat.
he's dying to go surfing.
he got buff because he said 'a man's duty is to be able to protect his loved ones.'
he wants to get married someday, with the woman he loves.
he hates whipped raw cream.
Yamashita Tomohisa = YamaPI
PI stands for PINK. (long story)

and maybe some other info i cannot recall at the moment.
but what i know is definitely limited.
compared to the others.

and here.
this morning. (oh the tragedy of this day. worse day ever. more of that later.)
while i was on the bus.
my mind was in a fierce debate with my conscience, or whatever.
it was like lord of the rings in my mind.
hah.

"where will this take me? being a big yamapi fan, it is no guaranteed ticket to my dreams. my dreams. how many of these dreams have i had?first it was to the U.K. meeting the Harry Potter cast. then it was to the U.S, being an mtv vj, a host of trl. and now. you claim. more than ever, than any of the dreams that you had. that you want to go to Japan."

i question how long this determination will actually last.
i question my ability to make it.
i question the passion that i have, although i am sure it will not wear out very soon.

if you're talking about short-term, i can say, with confidence.
yes, i will not hesitate if there was an opportunity. evn if there was no opportunity, i would have pounced on my impulsive decisions and just went ahead with EVERYTHING i've got.

funny though.
but i was never more worried about my future until now.
never more nervous about what i'm going to do to ahieve that.
and never more serious about weighing the pros and cons.
and
maybe this really is what i'm going to work for.
and if you ask me now.

i want it badly.
bad enough to work really hard for it.
the only thing is i have all these doubts.
and these doubts stop me from seeing that this current dream is possible/feasible.

and if it's long-term.
my view's blur, and i can't see my way...

but right now.

わたしも全力投球！
i'll pitch in with all i have, too. =)

and maybe i'll write a letter of mine to him too.
look forward to it tomorrow! =)

so yeah.
today was really 'xia suey'.
i thought i brought my umbrella.
so i continued my way to school all happy.
when i stopped, looking front.
it was raining on the other side!
and i stood there admiring the bizzare situation.
and then the wind blew.
and 3 seconds later.
it started to rain on my side.
so then i thought.
HAH.
UMBRELLA!
and i looked for it.
but i couldn't find it.
i started to get really frantic, because the rain was getting heavier.
and then.

yeah.
i got drenched.
dang.

i was late for school.
all wet.
all cold.
but despite one rude lady who quickly refused to help me and simply walked away...
there are, kind souls after all, when you're in dire straits.

a kind stranger GAVE me her umbrella.
so i finally made it to school.

THANK YOU!!!!
i hope you're well, and very very dry. =)

so yeah.
kindness goes a long way.

well.
i should end now!


11.59pm
pilot.
mk.